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Through a Mother's Eyes

Innocence
Everlasting promises in your gentle newborn eyes
A thankful vessel I have been,
Fully aware that I carry the future in me
The future and the future and the future til the end of time and after
My child will live and give life
Today I look into your pools of light and fill them with loving smiles
Today, I scoop you, a small warm bundle of vulnerability into my arms
I press my cheek to your moist little mouth and rub my nose softly on yours
You belong to all
Past Present Future
But in this moment you are mine alone to embrace

All mother’s say it,
But you are truly the most beautiful child ever born
I pray
Abba
Teach me to raise Him as you will Him to be
Then I remember…
Although I never altogether forget
He is He
Gently but firmly
Tighter I hold
He is not mine but the world’s as no other child has ever been
I behold my Blessed Father
Tears of thanksgiving raise up in my eyes.
Emotion wells up in silent prayer
I love you, Lord.
I am but your humble servant
My child will be the man upon who’s shoulders the government will rest.
Wonderful counselor, wise healer, loving son, giving friend
In those words live my deep joy
Eternal Father
Thick foreboding
A thrill of terror runs through me
How will the world receive Him?
Will he suffer at the hands of those who don’t see him as He is
But as they are?

At this moment
Bubble of laughter dance up
Soft hands wrap around my finger
The fear subsides
Those are not questions for me
My purpose, He reminds me by opening his arms wide
Is simply to love Him

Rain Dance

My brain swollen with red pulsing lightning bolts
Whimpers and rolls about
Waiting for respite.

It’s raining today…
if my head wasn’t a throbbing ping-pong match I would put on my flip-flops
and dance in the rain with my children


One warm fall night… Indian summer
When we first moved into our new home
My family enjoyed a glorious rain dance
A joyous public shower made available
In the private shadows of the night sky
Laughing to the rhythm of the twinkling stars
We embraced the pearlescent glow of the gentle moon
Fingers and arms played with water and light
Feet made musical waves in the new pools on our front porch


Dancing
Praising God for home
For rain
For love
For family
For the path
For the moment
Smiling free as children
The rain wet our faces and clothes
Splashed into our spirits and moistened our hearts

What would the neighbors think?
Maybe that some crazy people moved next door
Maybe that they wished they could be innocent like us

For even just a moment worshiping
In unison, primal, unique, free
Kicking puddles in the safe blanket of darkness
Like a dream, like a movie, like a poem

I wish today were like that day
With thick shards of glass slicing my thoughts I can’t even laugh
The rain tapping on my pain looks cold and gray
Steely, uninviting
Reverberating in my head like bad memories
My heart beats tiny kicking feet into the backs of my eyes

I want respite
God warm the rain
Erase the ache
Like a marionette, pick up the threads and make me dance
Until it’s real again
I don’t care that it’s not
I just want to go through the motions

~JRosado 4/11/09

La Fiesta

Bongos and guiros
Congas pan pan the beat in my chest
Vibrating through Abuelas floor, up into my feet
The sound pouring into me
Pounding like nails into the foundation and structure of my being
Our heartbeat and and feet connected
Shuffle shuffle, twirl
Our pretty skirts swish and sway
We spin, watching the fabric layers undulate
Feeling every bit the princesses that we are
Step, step, "Weeepa!"
Soft, fluffy, oily salted rice
The aromas of pernil & pollo fill the air
We gobble aceitunas out of the jar
"Weeeeepa", Titi wails from the sala
My little cousins shake their shoulders as they drop it like it's hot PR style
Pristine guayaveras ripple as the viejitos spin their ladies
I'm still too young to relate these people with youth
To wonder who they had been in their heyday
The pungent smells of cigarettes, Palo Viejo, coquito,
Bacardi and Coors Light
Cling to the tips of yellowed gray staches
Wet beer kisses to Little Boo,
Warm scrapy sandpaper cheeks
The projects are gray
The trees are bare
The handball court empty
Nobody on the benches
"Ven a comer tocino"
YES!
I turn from the window and run to the kitchen
Mmmmm! Crunchy crunchy salty chewy
I sulk at only being allowed to eat a few little pieces
mmmph! It's a treat that teases
A few freestyle songs and beats so the kids could get down a little

Preview of our club moves....
Dancing with Abuela
Exhaustion takes over
The kids droop, leaving the growups to their own world
Abuela's bed is covered in coats
Climb the mountain, they shift and slip
At the top 3 little cousins snore softly
Drooling, arms and feet tangled
Listening drowsily on top of the pile
The scents of my family
The leather, the cigarettes and perfume
Y se acabo
Ya, se acabo la fiesta

A Letter to the Men in My Life

Even though you set fire to the house forever altering the family's ability to communicate and be vulnerable with one another I forgive you, Abuelo. Alcohol and the Korean War stunted you. I understand

Even though you left me before I got a chance to know what really having a father was, I have loved you and understand that your inability to be a parent wasn't due to lack of love, but because you were a dysfunctional eternal child, confused and burdened by life. Papi, I forgive you

Even though you tried not to tear my new flesh, babysitter's son of black hair, crystal blue eyes and lovely pink lips who I thought was my boyfriend; You thoroughly ripped away the essence of innocence that a child has the right to glow with, marking me as prey to those searching. But I not longer harbor sorrow or anger

Even though you leered, winked, stroked my arms, stole kisses and petted my hair pedophiles of the world; I have been cleansed of the insidious poison that you injected into my sexuality. I release you


Even though you tried to make me feel I was nothing special broke-ass-turned-millionaire-off-the sweat of my back, I am held in a place of honor by the husband you correctly predicted you would never be. I no longer remember what it was like to love you

Even though you made me feel insane, vibrating cold with anger, frustration and defeat until 5 am for you to get home; I'm proud of myself for leaving all your belongings on your cousin's stoop at 12pm when you were still nowhere to be found.


Even though you lied, yelled, threatened and berated me into a small box of regrets, Baby Daddy, my son is a gift that I can thank you for forever


Even though you used, underestimated, stripped me of my worth and made me have to start all over again

Even though you turned me away even as bathed you in my compassionate tears

Even though you wrapped my mind into a bundle of question marks

I rise meeting each new day proudly to create a new world for myself in which I am free from the burdens of my past

My heart is full, beating powerfully, loving wholeheartedly

My back is strong from the weight that it has carried

My hands build homes of purity and innocence

My smile is true and my words ring with honesty

My spirit soars, buoyed by the knowledge that I am all of the things I should not be

Even though you were all, and still are, a part of me

my life isn't over

it's just different.
i didn't have very many years on this earth without a child.

my son, who's now 13, and i were talking about planned pregnancy and he, smiled, shrugged and with a bit of a question mark insinuated that he was "a mistake." i was taken aback, hurt for him, but so pleased to have the opportunity to tell him that he was indeed, a welcomed gift in my life. i knew that he thought this because when young women become pregnant people say that their lives are over but for me it was a new beginning. i didn't agonize over my decision to have him. in fact, i was elated from the moment that i knew. not for one instant did i consider abortion, never did i ever wish i had not given birth to my 5 lb. 10oz. fireball of energy and hugs. i was happy, enjoyed my pregnancy and every step of the way because i was sure that God would provide everything that we needed and our life would be wonderful. and i was right. we all have rough patches in life but he was not one of them. would i have had an easier life without him? maybe, but not likely because he gave me a sense of purpose when i cared about nothing, not even myself.

as all very young moms do, i yearned to go out and spend time just being myself. once my relationship with his father was over i did. we took turns taking care of him and i spent my alone time figuring out the next step to take for myself, for us. i struggled with work and school, having to drop the latter in order to have a tiny apartment, clothing and food. we spent our afternoons in museums, central park and barnes and noble, where it cost us nothing to look but our time. it was so simple.

did i wrestle with the responsibility? yes i did, but no more than my friends and family who have children in their 20s and 30s. it's a relief to know that, it's always hard and it's always wonderful.

when you're a young mom, if you love your child. if you have a passion for living. if you see the world through their eyes and learn with them, with innocence and zest and excitement. if you're flexible and patient. if you're open to the possibilities of having your child as your best friend. you life is far from over. it's just different.

the sun is brighter today

all the curtains are thrown back, the shades are up
my hair is wrapped into a high ponytail
i'm walking taller today
the sun feels warm on my face as i wipe away the grime,
the grit that collected there from early spring til now is gone
the room smells crisply of vinegar and lemons
glowing of blue light filtered through my yellow awning
soft and green like new beginnings

~written in august when the cobwebs were swept away and began writing in earnest again

abstract by derek santiago